No Threat

No Threat
#1 A prop telephone for
my brilliant one-man skits
involving telephone conversations.

#13 A somewhat surprisingly sturdy
hammer
with a grip that is velvety smooth,
and easy on my calluses.

#20 An impromptu piece
of exercise equipment,
the bending back and forth.
I can feel the burn in my chest
that may or may not heartache.

Yes.
I have found twenty uses for your dildo
since you stormed out in a fit of rage
yesterday afternoon.

You used to reassure me
that it posed no threat to my manhood
and for the first time
I can actually see that it doesn’t.

Quite the contrary.

#21 A prosthetic hand
to scare away solicitors,
girl guides and jehovah’s witnesses
that misguide themselves
toward our door.

What you meant to say
was that I, too, would derive enjoyment
from such a trifle.
No threat at all, but rather a utensil.

And yesterday,
our latest fight.
No matter how many nails I hammer
with this rubber dong,
how many
“Oh my god it’s the President”
telephone conversations
I have with myself
(he’s usually asking me
to save the world from terrorists,
nasty, nasty terrorists),
I can’t get your monologue
out of my mind.

Twenty-four hours later
I think you may have been right.
I’m not going anywhere.
I’m not doing anything.
Look at me,
I’m trying to scratch my back
with an eight-inch factory-built cock
for Christ’s sake.
A university degree will hang on the wall,
but goddamn if I’m going to let

#22 A veiny dick-shaped snake
that springs forth out of the gutted peanut can.
Surprise!

go to waste.

Every job interview ended infamously.
Every resume written cynically.

And look at me.
Thirty-years-old,

#23 The sexiest flyswatter you have ever seen

firmly in hand,
like some boring hippo
sits in a mudhole
and tries to swat at flies.
I just sit there.
That’s my problem.

You were right.

And now I feel bad.

I want you back and
it’s scary to admit it
because I have my pride and
it takes a lot,
a lot to admit that I was wrong.

But here I am.

And baby,
if you come back,
you can have a new dildo,
no threat to me,
bigger, better than this dildo,
which I would given back to you
except

#24 The implement to Ron Jeremy out stubborn toilet clogs.

But, please, come back.

-Michael Appleby
March, 2007