The Bottom Ten, September 2006

10.) The Royal Family- I was watching one of those shows that listed the biggest heirs and heiresses in England and, of course, Prince William was named at number 1 because the royals are worth something in the neighborhood of 10 billion dollars. My reaction: Why? I mean, okay, I can see the family being worth that much through years of sound investments and proper financial planning, but I know that a good chunk of that fortune stems from the fact that somebody, somewhere attaches some sort of relevance to the notion of a royal family. How the fuck are these people still relevant? Can anybody tell me? I'm at a loss. The t.v. show that I was watching also made a huge point over how one day William will be King of England. Big fucking deal, asshole. It's too bad nobody really for real thinks that generations of inbreeding is grounds enough for giving you some real political power.

9.) The Conservative Knee-Jerk Reaction- Click here. In Frisco, Texas an art teacher basically lost her job because one of her students saw a nude sculpture during a field trip to a museum. Oh my god, no!!! Not a nude sculpture in a museum! Holy fuck! Who in their right fucking heads would dare put a sculpture of the naked human form in a museum? Somebody might see a schlong! Or...gasp! Titties! Oh merciful fucking heaven to mergatroid (or however the fuck you spell mergatroid)! Seriously, you fucking hillbillies, is the naked body such a crime in the art world that you could lose your job over a child seeing it? If that is truly the case then shouldn't parents be reprimanded for having mirrors in their homes where children might, gasp!, stare at their own genitalia? I pity the generation that's growing up so sheltered that they have no fucking clue what a schlong is only that it's the tool of Satan and all that is unholy.

8.) The Stork- Those same conservative parents are raising that generation of children to believe that the stork delivers the babies in the night. Just wait until the liberal post-secondary education system gets ahold of them and they flunk because they answer on exams that the purpose of the vagina (they call it the Hoo-Haw Hole or some other asinine name because "vagina" is a swear word) is to make potty and only potty. Anyway, my beef with the stork is that it's just a fucking shitty bird. Of all the things that the conservative right could come up with that magically dieliver babies in the still of the night they had to go with a fucking shit-machine white bird while Christmas gets Santa Claus, Easter gets an egg-laying bunny rabbit, and teeth get taken away by a fucking fairy. I suppose that you've pretty much exhausted the limits of the imagination with all that other shit so a fucking bird carrying babies is all that's left. What a fucking bunch of arbitrary bullshit. A man shoving his cock in some woman's cooch and nine months later a baby popping out sounds a whole bunch more miraculous than some fucking bird that probably shits on people's windshields as it makes deliveries. Fucking birds.

7.) Cross-Promotion Bullshit- Click here. Ahhhhh, Martha Stewart, where you have been lately? My bottom ten lists got lonely without your cold, evil overlord kind of embrace. What now, you ask? Well, Martha Stewart has openly invited Eminem to appear on her show because Martha and her cult are more into the music of Eminem than you would believe. I'll let that sink in for a moment. Do you think that this is an attempt on Martha's part to gain some sort of street cred, branching her appeal into the world of rap, or an invitation to Eminem to branch his appeal into the world of banal domestic divas? Probably a little from column A and a little from column B. I hope that this invitation is decline, or better yet, not even acknowledged because I fucking hate every one of Martha's publicity stunts. Although, she did serve time for being a fucking evil icon or something, maybe she gained an appreciation for rap music while being brutalized in pound-you-in-the-ass prison.

6.) Using The Word 'Diva' To Describe Anything- I should really punch myself in the balls for using that fucking word for anything other than complaining about people who use that word or try to make it some sort of label by which they live their lives. I'm a diva. You're a diva. We're divas! Fuck you! What the fuck is a diva? Seriously. It's just some amorphous, vague jargon that gets thrown around to justify prissy behavior and it's fucking time that people grew up and started taking responsibility for their actions. I demand Perrier Water because I'm a diva and I will be treated accordingly. You demand Perrier Water because you're fucking stuck-up and you have a disproportionately large ego. If you put it like that I might get you a fucking Perrier just to shut you up.

5.) Feuding Pop Princesses- Click here. Britney and Christina have finally settled one of the bloodiest, most violent feuds in pop music history. Indeed, their spat was one of the darkest chapters in modern history and will be long remembered by future generations. What did it take to finally settle this deadly conflict? A fucking crockery set? How the fuck did one attention whore buying another attention whore a fucking crockery set get deemed as newsworthy? Fucking crockery sets don't settle disputes; they don't settle shit; they only make crocks (whatever the fuck those are). Only fistfights and/or lesbian make-out sessions end feuds.

4.) K-Fed- You know what? I'm K-Fed up with with fucking douchebag. Oh, stop groaning, that was fucking pun gold! Click here. So while Britney and Christina attempt some sort of reconciliation over crock (whatever the fuck that is) K-Fed is out and about fostering brand new feuds with many of today's brightest stars by giving the songs off of his soon-to-be-released album titles that are the same titles as songs by other artists. All this because there's a possibility that people will confuse his songs for the songs by those other artists (which are undoubtedly better due to their %100 less K-Fed involvement) when they do things like download tracks off of iTunes. I guess it's sort of fitting that anybody dumb enough not to check who sings a song before they download it off of iTunes deserves to get to hear K-Fed sing.

3.) Spelling "Thanks" With An "X" At The End- Congratulations assholes, you managed to save yourself the time and effort of having to write that whole one extra letter. How the fuck are you not in NASA with such mental prowess as to say, Hey, you know, "-ks" sounds a lot like the sound that the "x" makes. Holy fucking shit! I could just change the "ks" to an "x" and people will still understand and I will look like a total fucking genius because I was able to economize my time. So tell me, genius, what are you going to do with that 0.00056 seconds you just saved with your clever respelling? Oh that's right, 0.00056 seconds isn't even enough time to let out a juicy fart.

2.) DVD Cases That Are Sold With More Than One 'Security Device Enclosed' Sticker On Them- The message behind 'Security Device Enclosed' is straight-forward enough for me that it only takes one sticker to convey it. Why the fuck would you put three of those annoyances on your packaging? Any real crimnal knows that the security device is in the packaging and not on the DVD itself so why not just steal the disc and leave its sticker-riddled packaging on the shelf? Instead you cover all the opening edges with the your stupidity and make legitimate consumers have to work to see your fucking piece-of-shit movies. Bravo.

1.) "London Bridge" By: Fergie- What a fucking terrible song! I know you're kind of expecting me to say something funny because I am a bit of a joke-monkey sometimes, but seriously, that song finds a way to transcend the art of sucking and manages to suck so hard that it implodes on itself almost to the point where I can listen to "My Humps" without vomiting out of ass. That's suck.