The Bottom Ten, August 2006

10.) The Man Glossary- Here. Okay, so I'm supposed to call my sandals "mandals" because they are for a man? And then I'm supposed to call a male nanny a "manny"? Look, the whole gender war is fucking done like dinner except for the knuckle-dragging men and women who won't let the stupid son-of-a-bitch die. I mean for fuck's sake, the longer we keep drawing attention making up stupid-as-fuck gender-specific pop culture phrases the longer it will give people the impression that there's somehow a stupid discrepency between men and women in all facets of life. If you ask me "manny" is even more effeminate of a title for a man to give himself than "nanny". That might just be because Hulk Hogan was "Mr. Nanny" and Hollywood Hulk Hogan's entrance music was at one time "Voodoo Chile" by Jimi Hendrix and it doesn't get much more masculine than that.

9.) The Appearance Of Religious Icons In Foodstuffs- Here. Jesus appears on your shrimp's tail? Of course he does. You're a nutjob. The guy dies by crucifixion and rises three days later before ascending to Heaven. Then he waits over 2000 years to make his triumphant return in the form of a shrimp tail. Ah, just as the gospel of Red Lobster foretold! I'm so sorry to have ever doubted you.

8.) The People Who Buy Religious Icon Foodstuffs Off Of eBay- What's worse than the people who discover the face of religious icons making miraculous appearances in their food are the idiots who pay huge sums of money to buy that food off of eBay. I think that the religious right has entirely too much disposable income when they can buy some dude's half-eaten Jesus toast for thousands of dollars.

7.) People Who Have Some Sort Of Lucky Feeling About The Number 7- It's the number after 6, but comes before 8. Holy shit! I see why it's considered so lucky too!

6.) Chez Hitler- Here. Fuck. Indian Jews are upset that a new restaurant in Mumbai is built around a Hitler theme. You know what? I can see why they would be upset. I mean, it is Hitler. But come on, are you really that concerned? Sure, there's a restaurant named after Hitler, but do you actually think that a Hitler-themed restaurant is going to be a successful eatery? If there's one thing that makes me hungry it's thinking about the Holocaust and World War II. So why not just sit back, pay no mind to the stupid idea for a restaurant thus giving it no free publicity, and let it fail based solely on the fact that Hitler does not inspire hearty appetites and good eats.

5.) White Collar Crime In The Virtual World- Here. Okay, so this MMORPG (Massively Multiplayer Online RolePlaying Game) player created a virtual bank within the world of the game that he was playing and his fellow players invested their money with him and he absconded with it all. And you know what sucks the worst about all of this? I can't get the voice of Ogre from Revenge Of The Nerds out of my head as he yelled, "Nerds!"

4.)Revenge Of The Nerds- Here. I've ragged on remakes before. But come on, how the fuck can you find somebody to replace Booger? It cannot be done. So why even try?

3.) Shampoo- I'm almost at a point where I want to say, "Fuck washing my hair! Fuck everything!" Have you ever gone shampoo shopping? Good luck trying to find shampoo anymore. There's shampoo for all occasions out there, but never plain old fucking clean-your-hair shampoo! And when you go to the shampoo factory, that's right, all that shit comes out of the same tank. Fuck you, shampoo industry!

2.) Conditioner- My latest conspiracy theory is that the conditioner people are in cahoots with the shampoo people. They're busy plotting how they can fuck with all of us luxuriously-haired people for the rest of our lives. I'm onto you, you conditioner people. I have fucking eyes. I can fucking see.

1.) Automated Phone Calls- I checked my voicemail today and there was a message saying that in order for me to claim my free all-inclusive trip to Mexico that I had to press 3 now. Apparently the automated phone machine that called me didn't realize that it was talking to my voicemail. At that moment I kind of had this zen-like feeling because it was a machine that called a machine and for a brief moment they had a conversation, in English, but neither of them knew what the fuck the other was saying. It's time like these that make me think it will be a long, long time before any machine would ever be smart enough to hunt for Sarah Conner.